Choices

We all make choices in our life that we are not proud of and hopefully for most of us we make ones that we can be proud of. I’ve been trying to find the ones that I am proud of however it seems my bad choices are outweighing my good ones. And not only do I continue to recognize this but I continue the same behavior! I’ve made some LIFE changing choices lately that have been a gift however how is it that in all this greatness I can still do things that cause myself guilt and shame? It’s almost as if I enjoy the feelings of guilt and shame! But let’s be honest for just a second here, I DON’T ENJOY THESE FEELINGS ONE BIT. So again, why do I continue to make compulsive decisions that I regret? I need to learn to slow down. Take a look at situations before acting compulsively for instant gratification. Instant gratification is one of my biggest character defects. The gratification might come instantly but it is short lived and the regrets last a lifetime. I no longer want to live my life with more regrets than rewards! I know life can seem so unfair but truly it’s not life that is unfair, it is us as human beings that make our own lives unfair. Of course there are things in life that we can’t control like terminal illness, disaster, etc.; however we can control how we handle these situations! Taking a step back & deciding how to react before reacting is the common denominator to how the situation will turn out. It’s up to us to let a situation be a good one or a bad one.

Another thing that I’ve been thinking about is how us as mortal beings set our expectations way too high, always expecting something in return for everything we do in life only to be let down. I have found this defect in my own life that has been hindering me for years. I’ve been expecting people to act how I want them to instead of accepting them for who they are. I can’t expect the world to conform to my expectations or I will only be LET down again and again. Yes, I want the world and some people under my control but the harsh reality is only I can control myself. Only I can stop expecting people to give me everything that I want from them. If I can stop setting my expectations too high then I can stop thinking that people are out to hurt me and I can stop being let down. I’ve had this idea in my head that people are just out to hurt me & to continuously let me down but really it has always been that thing between my ears hurting me called my mind. People aren’t out to hurt me; it’s only me hurting myself. The mind is a powerful thing that can make a mountain out of a mole hill. Well I guess that was enough rambling for today!

Random!

Amazingly I have had nothing new to vent about!! Well I guess I did but somehow through the grace of God the problems I was having 2 weeks ago have been solved! It's amazing how gracefully God can work if you just let him. Once we as humans get out of the way of things in life & let God take care of them, they will always work out! Given it may not always be the outcome that we want but we can find peace with any outcome as long as you let yourself. The other day I got a bit of a rude awakening from a caring friend(who see's right through me). He pointed out a few of my character defects! He told me how I expect instant happiness. That I think things just happen over night and the truth is things don't happen over night. Happiness comes in time! It's progress & not perfection. For so long I've been telling everyone that I'm happy but really I was only telling them what they wanted to hear. I'm not one to show my emotions, anger or hurt I carry on the inside! However in the last 2 weeks I have grown more than I have in the last 6 "struggling" months! But he warned me not to set my "happiness" expectations too high yet as I still have to walk through many of my life struggles that I've been hiding from. He reminded me that beauty comes from the inside. When people see a strong man or woman who can stand on their own two feet, be secure & love themselves is more attractive than ANY outer beauty could ever be! He is absolutely right. I could fool anyone on my outside but if they could only see the "ugliness" that I hold inside they might find me insane! Ha ha!! However I am working through that ugliness! I want to live happy, joyous & free! I am willing to give my life over to the care of God & let him walk me through anything in life. I'm beginning to LOVE myself for the first time in my life & there is nothing or no one that will ever take my love for myself away from me EVER again!!

Forgiveness

I'm currently working on an assignment that requires me to write down all the people in my life that have ever hurt me in any way possible. It seems I should have a huge list as I've been hurt so many times. I can't understand how I can only have 7 people on a list when I've had 28 years of people continually hurting me. Is it possible that I don't hold the resentments that I thought I once did? Forgiveness is a choice. We can either forgive those who have injuured us, or we can hang on to the past hurts. But when we allow bitterness & resentment to poison our hearts, we'll end up tortured because of our own shortsightedness. So again, do I have resentments? Yes, tons I have figured out. But today I can choose whether to forgive the person who has hurt me or no. All it takes is a little action on my part & looking at my part in the situation. I will take responsibility where needed but I will not blame myself anymore for others hurting me! I'm no longer allowing myself to be a doormat.